In the MRI machine, where I lay and think about anything I can to keep me from panicking because #1 I barely fit into the damned thing and #2 what if it finds something.
I lay there thinking about the stuff that I wish for. If you’ve been a reader for a long time, then you probably remember that I’ve been wishing this numbness away for a long time.
It’s not happening, and in fact, is getting worse. They say that depression “hurts” - I thought that was a euphamism for depressed people who hurt the ones around them. But apparently, it really does HURT, and so those 3 bulging discs in my neck, one of which is herniating, hurts. So does my lower back, which hasn’t been MRI’d yet but I can guarantee you, contains at least 1 more bulging disc. My foot, that I broke in 1991, hurts. My joints pop like a popcorn machine. I’m tired all the time, and although I can easily say it’s because the only sleep I do get is broken every 2 hours by my beautiful baby boy, it’s not comforting at all. My sex drive is gone. Any kinky thoughts went with it. I have this twitch where my muscles twitch in various parts of my body for no apparent reason whenever I relax.
Last Tuesday, I had an MRI of my brain, but without the contrast dye that they normally use, because I’m still nursing. We were supposed to leave on Saturday to go to TN to visit the sinlaws, but because we just don’t know what’s going on with me, we cancelled. However, I told the doctor’s office that I was going on vacation and NEEDED to know what was going on with me (my right side had just started going numb). On Wednesday, I got the call from the neurologist’s office telling me that the neurologist had looked at my MRI and it was clear for MS and strokes. I was safe to go on vacation. And although you’d THINK that would be a relief, it wasn’t because I still didn’t have any answers.
This Monday, I went back to the neurologist. We talked about what to do next, and about the new numbness that hadn’t actually happened in a few days. He then asked if I wanted to see the MRI that was clean, and I said yes. He left the room to go get it loaded on his computer. Then he came back and said “I have to take back my words - your MRI wasn’t clean, it shows there is a spot on your brain”.
a spot on my brain.
Obviously, my brain, spotted or not, went into overdrive, and I began to think about all the things that could mean. My 11 year old son was with me and he did too. The neurologist explained that this could be caused from any number of things, including my age (40) and that we couldn’t jump to conclusions and not to be worried.
sure.
So we went into his office, and he showed me the spot. It was terrifying, although I remained calm and listened to what he had to say. I had sent my son out to the waiting room because he’d been freaked out when I showed him the first MRI last month of my neck, but it also showed my brain. So he was in the waiting room, and I was alone, looking at my spot.
The neurologist said we can wait a few months, until I’m finished breastfeeding, to get another MRI with contrast. In the meantime, we’ll do an EEG to check to see if perhaps seizures are causing the intermittent numbness.
Talking to a friend of mine who does have MS, and looking on google for white spots on MRI of brain, it’s pretty clear that I may have Multiple Sclerosis - and my brain just keeps turning and thinking and trying NOT to go to the worst case scenario.
Oh, and I go on Friday to see a surgeon about the umbilical hernia that has returned as well. Sigh. So anyway that’s my update - so sorry for those of you hoping for kink. It’s definitely not living here.
Filed under: thoughts by ladycalliah
on
Wednesday, 11/07/07 at
11:34 am |
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